HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
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I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?