[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
You Might Also Like
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I know this now 😂
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.