No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
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My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
This is me 🤣🤣
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.