Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
You Might Also Like
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool