We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning