Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
found my next D&D character name
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.