I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.