Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
just gave your address to some spiders
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
i wish we could shoplift online
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.