My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
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No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Worth remembering.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*