‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
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I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.