Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Cinematography is my passion
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys