*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
You know I’m something of a chef myself
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
The Onion called it…again.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.