friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?