This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
You Might Also Like
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.