my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me refusing to leave twitter
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
concern
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.