Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10