No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Who’s your best friend?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??