Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
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Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.