If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
*offers Batman cough drops*
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes