My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.