The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.