Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.