Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
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👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
(2022)
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.