There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
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*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.