There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Why soy sad?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
