Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
sigh
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done