Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
You Might Also Like
what are they serving at kfc then???
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Its true…
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Yup….perfect score!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please