4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
#damn
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
bears
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]