4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
my proudest tweet
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆![]()
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming