“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍