Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
scares
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.