A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.