Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.