Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
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I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex