If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Not all heroes wear capes….