I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*