i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
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[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
So we got a goldfish…
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.