12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice