If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m giving up ice.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Noted.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.