If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?