I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
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If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.