Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.