Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
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Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew