Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.