universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
You Might Also Like
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.