universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.