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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic