When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
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The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?