When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
You Might Also Like
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Holy shit he’s back
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?