Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
You Might Also Like
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.