me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?