Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
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[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists