Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You Might Also Like
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?