Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
This is I, Robot all over again
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what