ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Catering service
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*