Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary