Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
How to find Kentucky on a map
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
i actually laughed 😩
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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing